Smirking at the S’Mork...

This shit writes itself!

I realize you’re not supposed to let folks see how the sausage gets made, but this is just too perfect. I’m positively giddy.

I’ve found a creative writing shortcut that is useful beyond my wildest dreams, and I’m going to show it to you now.

This is the equivalent of a razzle-dazzle magician inviting you backstage to see exactly how he escaped from that sealed saltwater tank with 44 deadly stingrays.

Let me back up for a moment. It’s August 9, the Indiana State Fair just opened this weekend, and it’s time once again for me to write about the over-the-top, puke-making Fairgrounds food.

I’m talking about abominations like Peanut Butter and Jelly Chicken Wings, Doughnut Cheeseburgers and Chocolate Fries.

Every summer, these offerings get more and more disgusting, leaving bewildered writers such as myself groping for new ways to describe them.

It’s quite a challenge this year, because Yelp just rated the Indiana State Fair food as number six in the nation.

We’re number six! We’re number six!

Under that kind of pressure, I froze. How could I convey the horror that is this year’s signature dish, The S’Mork? Slow-smoked pulled pork, layered with marshmallow, chocolate, and graham cracker flavors on a fried sugar biscuit.

Where could I possibly find a repository of contemptuous rebukes worthy of describing these Midway monstrosities?

And then, I knew.

What an idea!

I simply asked ChatGPT for a list of actual adjectives and phrases that opinion writers commonly use in writing about President Donald Trump. I cut and pasted some of those words and phrases, and voila, I wrote this:

This reporter found the S’Mork to be puffy, bloated and unhealthy…. The meat was venomous, the marshmallow was loathsome and the graham crackers were despicable!

You see what I mean? If you have the list, this shit just writes itself!

Let’s try another. The 2026 State Fair is proudly featuring the Junkyard Spam Dog, a grilled SPAM hotdog buried under macaroni and cheese, coleslaw, crushed potato chips, barbecue sauce, and jalapeños.

I consulted my master list from the political pundits and I chose wisely.

The Junkyard Spam Dog is overweight, disheveled and unkempt. The macaroni and cheese is repellant, and the barbecue sauce is sociopathic…

Everybody here in Indiana this weekend is talking about the Hot Cheeto Fried Oreos at the State Fair, and boy, did the liberal Washington scribes come through for me in my time of need. I could not go wrong:

The Hot Cheeto Fried Oreos are orange-hued, artificial-looking and sculpted. Blotchy and ruddy, they are grotesque, nasty and buffoonish! The overall presentation is malevolent, reeking of narcissism.

Honestly, I had never realized how very similar political punditry and food criticism could be!

If you find yourself feeling both hungry AND thirsty, you should go for the Grand Slam Mary. What is that? Borrowing words from the country’s best political journalists, I’ll tell you:

This is an incoherent Bloody Mary garnished with a pernicious burger slider, a fatty hot dog slider, loud-mouth waffle fries and grotesque Cracker Jacks. The concoction reflects serious signs of dementia.

Then, it got even better. it occurred to me that I didn’t need to limit myself to critical descriptions of only the president, when there are so many other dickheads in his administration. I asked AI to gather some descriptives about Vice President J. D. Vance, and the result was a gold mine:

The Bacon Jalapeño Honey Bun Burger is ambitious, coarse and thin-skinned. The toasted honey buns are self-promoting, and the bacon is charmless. The Honey Bun Burger is unready for higher office…

But then came the ultimate test. What amount of political plagiarism could prepare me for describing the State Fair’s Pickle Pesto Pizza?

Pickles on a pizza? What next, pineapple?

I consulted the broadsheet opinion pages featuring the greatest sages, savants and mahatmas of my generation, and I crafted this:

The Pickle Pesto Pizza, grease-stained, gross and grifting, is temperamentally unsuited for statesmanship. This travesty is erratic, impulsive and corrosive to democratic institutions…

I totally nailed it, am I right?

I mean, am I RIGHT?

And this, my dear readers, is how I escaped from that sealed saltwater tank with the 44 deadly stingrays!