Life seemed so simple back then. June, 2023, my Substack publishing platform informed me I had posted new stories for 11 weeks in a row, and they gave me a certificate saying I was in the top 22 percent of their writers.
Huzzah!
I quickly realized this coveted status had nothing to do with quality or popularity, it just reflected my drone-like reliability. I never missed work, was all.
Still, I took a bow and kept writing, and every couple of weeks I got a new certificate. Another rung, and another, and another.
Then, early in 2024, riding a 41-week streak, I was told I was now in the top FIVE PERCENT!
I should have understood how math works. As I climbed, the place got more crowded, with people every bit as dependable as I was. Week after week after week, my percentage stayed at the same Five Percent.
So now, here I am in this huge, cramped room full of sweaty writers, seemingly with no way out. The food is pretty bad, the bathrooms are vile, the big jumbo screens just show “Brady Bunch” reruns. We all share a toothbrush. I need a shower. If this is success, it’s over-rated.
Here comes a Substack usher, in one of their putrid orange jumpsuits. I’m going to tell him I want out. Enough is enough.
“Mr. Basler, we have good news. You just got subscribers in Sweden and Chile! You’re in 20 countries now!”
“Whoopee.”
“But there’s more. Our leader, Prince Substack himself, asked me to tell you that you are now in the top FOUR percent!
Oh my God, I made it! I want to thank my agent, my family, my haberdasher, my ornithologist and…”
“If you will just follow me through this hidden doorway – careful, don’t let anybody else see us…”
I found myself in a gigantic arena, jammed with people. They all seemed giddy with excitement.
“So, this must be a Taylor Swift concert, right? All these tens of thousands of people, waiting patiently? When does she come on?”
“There is no show, Mr. Basler. Get a grip. These are your fellow Four Percenters!” Here is your voucher for lunch, and your colorful Four Percent certificate.”
“Noooooooo!!!! All of these people here are Four Percenters?”
“Oh, no, Mr. Basler, don’t be silly. These are just Four Percenters whose names begin with “B!”
Bob,
Yeah. It was pretty obvious to me pretty early on that Substack was great for Substack, which takes 10 % off the top (or is it more?) but financially made no sense to the writer. There are just too many of us. There are a lot of people here whose work I enjoy and would like to support, but if it's ten people, it's $600 or $700 a year and that can get you The New York Times with a lot more people and much wider coverage. You'll pay for your niece maybe, or one or two good friends whose work you especially like, but that's it. I usually write because I have to write and I love the freedom of writing with no gatekeepers -- but I keep running into writers from the Before Times, when you actually got paid a living wage to write and thinking Substack is where old writers go to die.
AND you're an amazing comedic writer. Perhaps you should see if there are openings for writers for Kimmel, Fallon, Colbert? Surely one of them needs a four percenter! Bravo as always, Bob.