My "Cornstitutional" Right to Free Speech...

I tracked down the world’s foremost authority on dad jokes...

This isn’t an easy thing for me to write.

I’m having trouble at home. I stand accused of the very worst, vilest, most disgusting thing an older man can do.

That’s right. Apparently, some people think I make too many dad jokes.

It turns out, if you drop just a few corny comments into a “cornversation,” suddenly you’re a hopeless old fart.

My critics point to lines from some of my past 5 a.m. Stories:

We got a visit from the Indiana Posture Queen – she was no slouch.

Queens were everywhere. We watched them sashay in their sashes.

Pun Fight at the Okay Chorale.

Gunfight at the Croquet Corral.

To tell the honest truth, the only difference between dad jokes and the wit of Oscar Wilde or Dorothy Parker is maybe 100 IQ points.

Here’s the thing. I believe really good dad jokes are pretty clever. That’s why most of my online surfing time is spent on docktok.com, borrowing sophisticated gems such as these:

Last night, my wife asked if I could give her some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So, I disabled the smoke alarm.

I called the Paranoia Hotline. The first thing they asked me was, “How did you get our number?”

I accidentally drank invisible ink. Now I’m in the hospital, waiting to be seen.

Yesterday I couldn’t figure out if someone was waving at me or at the person behind me. In other news, I lost my lifeguard job.

Intrigued by the whole dad joke concept, I did what any hardworking career journalist would do. I tracked down the world’s foremost authority on the subject, a guy named Bart King.

Bart has written 31 books, including two which are specifically about corny dad jokes. His latest, Father Humor: Mastering the Art of the Dad Joke, was just published last month, so his insight is as ripe as fresh-picked corn.

In the uber corny Dad Joke Army, Bart holds the rank of colonel!

Think about it. Colonel. Corn.

Here is an example of Bart’s own humor, from his own author website:

I’m delighted to say that my books have won the Oregon Book Award, the Newbery Award and the Pulitzer Prize in Literature!

(But remember, being “delighted to say” something doesn’t make it true.)

The author graciously agreed to answer a few questions for today’s 5 a.m. Story. He lives in Oregon, so it’s not like he has anything better to do.

Hello, Bart, thank you for joining us. You are considered the most respected expert on dad jokes. How did you achieve that?

I seem to have always enjoyed sharing humor that has led friends, colleagues and loved ones to wince, grimace, squirm, flinch, groan or make credible threats of violence. So, it has turned into a lifestyle choice for me.

Do you have a favorite dad joke?

Yes. A man traveling in the Australian Outback takes a bad fall off a cliff and awakens to find himself in the house of a rancher.

“Was I brought here to die?” asks the man.

“No, mate,” replies the rancher, “you were brought here yester-die.”

See, I understand that joke, because I’ve heard Australians speak. Bart, why don’t moms get some of the blame for this? Don’t they ever make dad jokes?

It’s unfair that these are called “dad jokes.” People of all ages and gender identities can and should make dad jokes.

Bart, What percentage of dad jokes involve puns?

Oof, that is a hard one. I’d reckon that more than half of the dad jokes I’ve known are puns or involve wordplay of some sort.

William Shakespeare averaged 78 puns per play. Romeo and Juliet has 175 puns! These high ratios of witty wordplay helped main­tain the audience’s interest.

I’ll bet you didn’t know this, Bart. In Japanese, the word for puns translates to “old man jokes.”

Yes! But I know this because my wife, Lynn, used to work in Japan, not because I’m an insufferable know-it-all sexagenarian.

Japan’s phrase is the oyaji gyagu. My wife describes this as a person who gets more enjoyment from telling jokes than their audience does from hearing them.

So, do you think I use too much corny humor?

Well, I did note that you’ve managed to add corn to “cornstitution” and “cornversation.” That’s VERY typical of dad humor.

Ah, you liked those, did you?

I didn’t say that.

What do you think about current efforts to criminalize dad jokes?

Whoa, there’s a move to criminalize dad jokes?! That means my arrest is imminent. But when I have my day in court, maybe I’ll get lucky and be assigned a judge who’s in a hurry and is just going through the motions.

Going through the motions! I get it. I’m right there with you, Bart. Maybe we’ll end up in the same courtroom. I’m warning you, I plan to speak my mind, and I’ll probably be held in “corntempt.”

More corn! May I quote you on that, Bob?

I’d “cornsider” it an honor, Bart!