Kankakee to Shanghai, Now Boarding...

Buckle up, my dear readers...

We all know why we’re here. You’re waiting to see it.

Last week, I did a detailed analysis of my subscriber base, using raw data from Substack, and I learned that my half-dozen most popular posts in 5 a.m. Stories have little in common. They deal with children’s poetry, old-fashioned words, exotic-sounding places in the Southwest, the Midwest and China, and the Old Neighborhoods we all carry with us wherever we go.

I get it. I have no demographic. At least none that is definable enough to pander to in my weekly stories.

Based on those results, I fed certain words to the best Artificial Intelligence production agency I could find, AI, AI, Oh! (think about it) and I asked for nothing less than the perfect story for my readers. Something that would tick every box in their checklist of interests.

It took their staff most of a week, and depleted my entire 2023 holiday entertainment budget - sorry, gang - but they really came through for me.

I hope you enjoy this. You should, because it’s AI-Certified Perfect:

There once was a knave from Shanghai
Who loved to tell stories and lie
He said he could fly
And touch the blue sky
But everyone knew it ain’t true

He said he had been to Kankakee
And met a princess by the sea
He said she was fair
With golden hair
But everyone knew it ain’t true

He said he had travelled to Tucumcari
And rode on a camel so hairy
He said it was fun
To race in the sun
But everyone knew it ain’t true

One day he decided to prove them all wrong
And show them his stories were true all along
He climbed on a plane
And flew in the rain
But he never came back from his flight

Some say he got lost in the clouds
Some say he landed in a crowd
Some say he found his princess
Some say he met his nemesis
But no one really knows what happened to him

The moral of this story is clear
Don’t lie or you’ll disappear
Be honest and kind
And you will find
That everyone will love you for who you are

So, that’s it.

As you can see in these photos, I had to buy a small airline to help illustrate the perfect story. I went looking for one with a name like mine, possibly with a headquarters someplace that sounded funny.

I settled on Basler Airlines, with headquarters in - wait for it - Oshkosh.

Basler Airlines. You can look it up.

Better yet, just come visit our home office, in Oshkosh. We fly there four times a day, from Tucumcari.