I Know A Secret!

Gimme a C! Gimme an A!

Hey, Barbara. Are you still awake? Look! I just got a text message from Pete Hegseth!

That old lush-face? The creepy Fox News guy? His own mother can’t stand him!

Yeah, but now he’s in the Trump Cabinet. He’s the Secretary of War or something like that.

He’s stopped drinking?

Not that I know of, honey-pie.

So, what does the big juice-head want from you?

He says I’m a finalist in some contest. If I’m the big winner, I get to take ten of my friends to the Pentagon and join that billionaire Elon Musk, the guy who makes those hideous trucks.

Slow down. You get to join some truck maker? For what?

Pete’s text says we will get a hush-hush briefing on top-secret U.S. plans to invade someplace. It says the place begins with a “C” and ends with an “A.”

No way! You think it’s China? You know, I heard they invented Covid over there. It’s about time we pay them back for that!

But wait, Pookie! It could also be Canada! That begins with a “C” and ends with an “A.”

Ah, I see what you mean, Bobby! This is getting complicated!

I just thought of something else! It could be California! Trump hates that place! He’d love to round up the Hollywood Elites and ship them to El Salvador! The whole state is practically nothing but LGBTQ people, plus Kamala Harris and Nancy Pelosi.

That’s true, Dear, but we can’t rule out Costa Rica or Cambodia. They’ve got that “C” and “A” thing going on, just like China.

Hold the phone! It could be Columbia! The university!

But they totally sold out and caved in to Trump, even though they did nothing wrong! Why on earth would we invade them?

Because they won’t fight back, and they’re convenient - those are things we look for in planning an invasion. I guess maybe I need to donate the $100 Pete is asking for so I can stay in this contest.

Bob, look closer at this text message. You see all those zeroes? That’s not $100, it’s a million! I have a better idea, Sweetie-Doodle. For just $5 a month you can subscribe to the 5 a.m. Stories, like the really cool kids are doing, instead of listening to that gin-swilling liar. Nighty night, let’s get some sleep.

Hey, Barbara? You still awake?

Just barely. What is it now?

Maybe we should visit Croatia while we still can…