Cutting Myself in Half

My stories, with artificial sweetener...

(A fish market in the Galapagos)

Excuse me, I’m looking for Robert Basler’s “’5 a.m. Stories,” on Substack. They’re usually right here.

You’re in the right place. I’m Bob, by the way. It’s nice to finally meet a reader. You want a bite of my Snickers? I’m going to start today’s column with an old-fashioned story problem, just like we all hated doing in math class back in grade school:

Bob spends two years writing, rewriting and editing some personal episodic memoirs, and he finishes 40 of them. His close friends tell him he needs to share them with the public. On March 20, 2023, he begins publishing two per week, in a Substack newsletter called “5 a.m. Stories.” Why is this a dumb idea?

a) 5 a.m. is too early for anybody to get up

b) Bob doesn’t own a Buick

c) Bob is going to run out of stories

Ooh! Ooh! I know the answer! I’m good at math! The answer is c)! He will run out of stories, probably by the end of July.

Exactly! Now. What if Bob cuts back to publishing only one a week instead of two, and he also keeps writing new ones? 

Theoretically, I guess he can go on publishing forever, if he just avoids fatty foods and parachuting.

(Bob and his wife in a Vincent Van Gogh painting)

Why didn’t Bob do the math in the first place and realize two posts a week would be unsustainable?

I did. I knew from the start, but I wanted to build an audience, which I’m doing. I just passed 15,000 page views, I already have more than 200 subscribers, and my retention rate is 94 percent. That’s kind of wild.

So, let me understand. You’re saying from now on we only have to read one of your stories a week, and not two? That sounds like a great deal!

Wait. You’re happy to hear I’m cutting back? If you don’t like my stories, why do you subscribe?

Because they’re free, and they come right to my email. Duh. Hey, why aren’t you announcing this new schedule on Twitter, while standing beside Elon Musk?

Somebody else already did that, sort of.

(Dahlia, beloved Basler dog, with the actress, Ali MacGraw)

Let’s spitball this, Bob, and see if there’s another way around the problem. Could you still do two a week if you wrote really fast?

Fast writing? That would be a lot like daily journalism. I’ve already done that. I’m not going back.

Hmmm. What if you just wrote the first half of each story, and published two new unfinished stories each week?

Really? The only people who would keep reading unfinished stories are the criminally insane, and I’m aiming for a different demographic. 

What if, instead of prose, you just wrote in text messages? With a lot of abbreviations? That takes no time at all, and the kids would love it!

WTF? SMH! STFU, LSMFT, BTW!

Yes, I guess you’re right. So, here’s my last suggestion. You know that Artificial Intelligence stuff that’s all over the news now? What if you used that to write your stories?

My stories are based on very personal things that really happened to me, and AI knows nothing about those.

You mean all that stuff you write about Dolly Parton and Santa Fe and Beirut and that dead Baroness whose ghost still haunts your Tudor house, that’s all true?

It is.

Is that why it isn’t very interesting?

I’m going to ignore that remark. I’ve already tried using Artificial Intelligence. I went to the coin-operated AI Vending Machine at my shoe-repair shop. I fed in some key words and phrases - Baroness, Bob, Tudor Revival House, Move from Santa Fe to Indianapolis, Hong Kong, “5 a.m. Stories” and Dogs and Cats. I then put 16 quarters into the slot, and after 45 minutes of watching it buck and lurch, this is what it spat out:

The Baroness and Bob

Bob had always wanted to be a writer. He loved to create stories and characters in his imagination and share them with the world. He had published a few short stories online, but nothing major.

He dreamed of writing a novel someday, but he never had enough time or inspiration. That changed when he met the Baroness. She was his new neighbor in the Tudor Revival house next door. She had moved from Santa Fe to Indianapolis, after living in Hong Kong for many years.

She was a mysterious and elegant woman, who always wore a hat and gloves, and carried a parasol. She had two dogs and three cats, who followed her everywhere.

She welcomed him with a smile and invited him to sit with her in the garden or the library. She told him stories about her travels, her adventures, her loves and losses. She had a rich and fascinating history, full of drama and mystery.

Bob was captivated by her stories. He asked her permission to write them down, and she agreed. She said she had always wanted to have a biographer. Bob started to write every morning at 5 a.m., before going to his day job as an accountant.

He called his project "5 a.m. Stories", and he dedicated it to the Baroness. He wrote about her childhood in England, her marriage to a German aristocrat, her escape from the Nazis, her involvement in the resistance, her affair with a Chinese spy, her business empire in Hong Kong, her philanthropy in Santa Fe, and her retirement in Indianapolis.

He finished his manuscript after six months of writing. He printed it out and wrapped it in a ribbon. He went to the Baroness's house to give it to her as a gift. He knocked on the door, but there was no answer. He looked through the window and saw that the house was empty.

Yes! I love it! Is it just me, or does this story seem much better than your usual hogwash? I want more of this!

Er, I’ll admit it has some nice flourishes, but why does the Baroness sound so much like Mary Poppins? Look, if it’s Artificial Intelligence you want, you may have a butt-load of it soon enough. Haven’t you read about the issues in that writers’ strike that is going on now?

I don’t understand these random photos. A fish market? Van Gogh? Ali MacGraw?

Oh, now that I’m publishing my stories, I get to deduct business expenses. Like, say, trips to the Galapagos, Amsterdam and Hollywood. These pictures are just for tax purposes.

Okay, so when do we get to see the next “5 a.m. Story?”

Next Monday, and it will be a humdinger. My garage is being measured for an AI machine, and I’m heading for the bank right now, for six rolls of quarters!