Adventures of a Substack Lounge Lizard

Can you have as many drinks as you want?

(AI-generated photos of Substack writers Heather Cox Richardson, Gene Weingarten, Joyce Wadler, Robert Basler and Bill Kristol.

Hey, Bob, it’s me! Glad I ran into you! You write that Substack called 5 a.m. Stories, am I right?

Shhhh, please don’t spread that around. Somebody might actually go and read it!

Not to worry, your secret is safe with me. Look, you know that assassination attempt at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner?

Of course! Who doesn’t? You might want to use air quotes around “assassination attempt,” though. It’s totally up to you.

Well, I read that there was a very fancy Substack party going on at the same time, nearby, and security wouldn’t let anybody in or out because of the shooting. There was some kind of altercation at the Substack soiree that almost came to blows!

That’s right, there were some journalists arguing about coverage of the Jeffrey Epstein files. They had to be physically separated. I suppose you’re asking for my thoughts on the journalistic ethics of the Epstein coverage, huh?

Oh, HELL no! Who cares what you think? It just made me wonder whether Substack invites its writers to a lot of posh events like that? You know, fancy dress, cocktails, passed hors d’oeuvres and such-like? I thought I would ask you.

Yes, Substack does pamper its writers shamelessly. A couple of nights a week I stop off at their elegant Substack Lounge, for some VIP treatment.

Can you have as many cocktails as you want?

Nah, they cut you off at 12 drinks. I mean, you know, that’s what I’ve heard.

I saw a recent photo of you at that Lounge with a bunch of other Substack writers, and I was VERY impressed. Do you actually know all those people? I mean, like, Bill Kristol, from The Bulwark? I LOVE The Bulwark!

Bill and I go way back, to September 28, 1989. I met him aboard Air Force Two, en route from the Philippines to Malaysia — he was on Vice President Dan Quayle’s staff, and Dan introduced him to me.

Wow! And you’ve been friends ever since? When is the last time you talked to him? Today? Yesterday?

That would be September 28, 1989. When Air Force Two landed in Kuala Lumpur, we went our separate ways.

Ah, I get it. Very different politics, huh?

No, very different cars. He took a black limo in the VEEP motorcade. I hitched a ride into town.

Oh. The picture I saw also showed Heather Cox Richardson, who writes Letters from an American. I guess you two must have a friendly competition over who has more readers?

Not exactly. Heather gets more new subscribers while she flosses her teeth in the morning than I have on my entire readership list.

Wait! Hold the phone! There must be some reason why heavyweights like Heather Cox Richardson and Bill Kristol are posing with the likes of you.

There is, but it’s private.

Is that Joyce Wadler in the photo? With her hand on your shoulder? I ADORE her Substack! It’s hysterical! You must see her a lot? Do you two hang out at the famous White Horse Tavern, in Greenwich Village?

Joyce is hilarious, for sure, but I’ve never spoken to her. Sometimes in her columns she lists the funniest guys she knows. Number one is her friend named Herb. Number two is her brother. She’s up to Guy Number 28, now, and so far, I don’t show up at all.

Who else is on Joyce’s funniest guy list?

Let me put it this way. She published a comic novel last year called The Satyr in Bungalow D. It’s a very funny book, and apparently even the Satyr is ahead of me on the funniest guy list. Horns, hooves and all.

How embarrassing for you. So, now are you ready to talk about why they’re all posing with you?

Nope.

The guy in the photo with the mustache. Isn’t that Gene Weingarten, who writes The Gene Pool? He cracks me up!

Me, too. Gene and I used to work together.

Really? At the Washington Post, where he won his two Pulitzer Prizes??

No.

The Miami Herald?

No.

The Detroit Free Press?

No.

But that’s his whole resume. I give up. Where did you work together?

At a newspaper called The Knickerbocker News, in Albany, New York. We both drove Chevy Novas with standard transmissions, so we had lots to talk about.

Knickerbocker News? No! You’re making up that name!

Who would make up a name that stupid for a newspaper?

That’s enough silliness! I still want to know why all those talented, popular Substack writers are smiling and posing with you!

Sigh. Okay, but I’m not proud of this. See, when writers visit the Substack Lounge, we have to sign ourselves in.

And?

Well, I always sign in as Dave Barry. It works wonders. Everybody wants to be seen with me. I just hope the real Dave Barry doesn’t drop by sometime while I’m there!